"Church hurt" refers to the emotional or psychological pain that individuals may experience as a result of negative or hurtful experiences within a religious or church community. This term is often used to describe situations where people have felt betrayed, mistreated, or let down by fellow church members, leaders, or the church itself. Church hurt can potentially lead to trauma, although not everyone who experiences church hurt will develop trauma. Trauma results from experiences that overwhelm a person's ability to cope and can have lasting effects on their mental and emotional well-being. In some cases, church hurt can be traumatic if the experiences within the religious community are severe and deeply distressing.

Trauma resulting from church hurt may manifest in various ways, including symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), such as flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety, and depression. Trauma can also impact an individual's trust in others, their sense of safety, and their overall mental health. It's important to note that the severity and long-term impact of church hurt will vary from person to person. Some individuals may be resilient and able to recover relatively quickly, while others may struggle with the effects of the hurt for a longer period, potentially leading to trauma.

Recognizing Two Types of Trauma Resulting from Church Hurt

Dr. Jim Wilder, points out in his book “Living from the Heart Jesus Gave You,” a few critical ideas that we will reference in this article. First, processing emotional pain and hurt with family, friends, or professional therapists well is viewed as suffering. When a person processes their pain alone or it is internalized in isolation, this pain and hurt will transition to become emotional “trauma.”

Should trauma result from hurt caused by a Church community, Dr. Wilder also categorizes two types of traumas known as the “absence of good things” that are necessary that were not present and the “bad things that happened” and shouldn’t have, that reduce one’s emotional capacity and wellbeing. Think of this in terms of “Trauma A” (absence of the good things we need) and “Trauma B” (the bad things that happen to us that shouldn’t).

Trauma A is much like a flower that needs a certain amount of nutrients like sunlight, water, and caretaking to survive and thrive. Without the necessary elements that produce healthy growth, the flower will be impaired at best. Similarly, a plant suffering from Trauma B may encounter violent storm damage, insect interference, soil toxins, or getting accidentally crushed by a human foot!

Unlike a flower, a person can heal from Trauma B rather quickly with one type of intervention. However, Trauma A may not heal as quickly, and it may take an extended period with multiple, frequent, and ongoing other types of intervention to bring wholeness.

Understanding the Right Intervention for the Appropriate Situation

Let’s take a moment to distinguish the specific and necessary interventions between Trauma A and B so that the everyday disciples of Jesus can understand what can become a complicated subject.

Starting with Trauma B, this type is healed SOLELY through the direct intervention of Heaven the moment Jesus brings His grace and truth to a situation from the past. In other words, a person’s memory cannot be “healed” per se. Instead, one’s memories of horrific events and tragedies often lack Jesus’ complete narrative of where He was in that moment and how He feels about it. In other words, our brains are designed to help make sense of the data to arrive at a conclusion, which now includes Jesus’ narrative, thoughts, and interactions that complete and bring Truth to the traumatic event.

Without Immanuel (God with us) entering the story and completing the narrative of where He was in those moments, spirit to Spirit, healing cannot take place. Without this kind of healing, those suffering from Trauma B are left with a newsreel that leaves out critical details that would change the entire meaning and context. That person is left to fill in the blanks with incomplete and often misguided conclusions that lead to devastating consequences long term.

Many healing ministries today exist to easily help others overcome Trauma B manifestations, but what about Trauma A intervention?

This type of intervention is quite different and has two distinct components. The first is that God Himself is intimately involved by providing a family wineskin/ecosystem to connect with that can provide individuals with the essential ingredients to heal “the absence of good things not received” in years past. Secondly, “securely attached” family-type relationships must also exist, which is key to this type of healing through the creation of love bonds. This is what the Bible calls a type of love that binds everyone together (Col 3:14).

The most important difference between Trauma A and B interventions is that God chooses to limit Himself by bringing wholeness in a way that requires partnership with a family on Earth. In other words, a plant that does not get sunlight or water through the basic laws of agriculture will not thrive, let alone survive.

Likewise, human-to-human, securely attached bonds of love are the required antidote to heal and overcome this Trauma A, which may take years to complete. Put another way, offering a simple prayer for God to unilaterally heal Trauma A without the involvement of family and healthy, loving relationships is insufficient. Without the participation and healthy attachment of others, through a spirit of adoption, only then will others be able to conquer and emotionally mature from this pervasive, debilitating traumatic condition.

Healing In Family Neutralizes Church Hurt

This last statement can be difficult for some. 

They will object strongly, saying it’s most important to know the Bible, identify deception, practice spiritual disciplines, live by faith, and grow closer to God in spirit and truth.

There’s no argument here against those things are absolutely good and essential. However, these practices and discipleship models are incomplete aspects that won’t produce a type of demonstrative, tangible culture of love that is Biblically required to demonstrate as well. For we are made in God’s image, and God is love. Therefore, how well are we loving Him and one another to the point that the world is noticing and saying we are disciples of Jesus?

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” (John 13:34-35)

The bottom line is this: loving others well is a skill that requires intentional training and development within a family context.

Dallas Willard, from the book Renovated (p.4), said that “psychology is the care of souls. The care of souls was once the province of the church, but the church no longer provides that care.” He paused. “The most important thing about the care of souls is that you must love them.”

Therefore, one other resource to help bring clarity comes from Dr. Jim Wilder and Jane Willard, who were contributing authors of the book “Living from the Heart Jesus Gave You.”

In collaboration, they wrote an important piece of literature that is helping an untold many directly address Church hurt and trauma called the Maturity Indicators charts found HERE. These charts are a helpful tool for simplifying the personal, community, and family tasks necessary to provide the “good things” necessary in a family throughout the five developmental stages of life.

They were able to examine the Scriptures and interview as many cultures as possible from around the world, and they all had different words to describe the five stages identified. They all together are identified as Infant, Child, Adult, Parent, and Elder. Along those lines, they masterfully charted the necessary and basic relational/developmental skills to emotionally mature, ultimately leading others to love and securely attach (bond) to others in such a way that reflects the heart and character of Jesus.

When the family of God, in partnership with God, embraces practicing family/community tasks (or relational skills training) to adult individuals where there may have been gaps or “orphan pockets” growing up, Trauma A-healing will ultimately manifest and multiply throughout.

Church hurt exists mostly from the absence of good things that are essential elements relationally within a spiritual family context.

These basic elements include the following Biblical concepts:

·      Building joy (that feeling of just being glad to be together despite differences, circumstances or beliefs and valuing the relationship).

·      Bringing peace and comfort when others are overwhelmed and hurting.

·      Serving one another in how each person is uniquely designed in Christ.

·      Repairing well from relational rupture.

·      Creating an atmosphere and culture of celebration, honor, and preferring one another.    

When just a few examples of these things are not a part of discipleship teaching, training, and modeling as a way of doing life together within a Christ-centered, spiritual family community, Church hurt will ensue.

Over time, and left unaddressed, this will become untreated trauma for those trying to put the language of feeling ongoing pain and frustration despite practicing healthy spiritual disciplines and Bible intake.

Therefore, pursuing relational skills training that will help create bonds of love and secure attachments that will help others mitigate, overcome, and neutralize Church hurt or Trauma A is paramount in avoiding Church hurt all together. If others do not become more aware or informed of Church hurt healing, or better yet, preventing it, this type of hurt will continue to leave a long trail of more people hurting within the Church, leaving the Church, (but not Jesus), and not coming back.

**For more information about Church hurt, and understand how to address effectively, click HERE to enroll in your FREE Masterclass!

Chris Caputo

Organizational Development Champion/ Hesed Discipleship Network